There are certain things, as a father of four, I consider hard and fast rules. For example, children are sticky. Always. If they are not sticky during any given examination, you may safely assume it is because…

A. You’re not looking hard enough.
B. You’ve arrived exactly 10 seconds too soon, and if you take the time to grab a drink of water you will return to a sticky child.
C. Your child is particularly gifted at covering his/her tracks and you’ll discover said stickiness that should have been on the child in some other, even less desirable spot…say, inside your favorite sport coat…soon enough.
D. You have an angelic wunderkind who beats all statistical odds.

I have had my share of experience with the first three…leaning heavily on C over the years…regretfully, D isn’t in my family’s genes. Whomever is reading this who DOES have a D child, I weep at your joy.

Another rule which is to be treated as canon: laundry will be checked for non-laundry items as if you are a special investigator for Homeland Security. This is not up for argument, debate or consideration, it is an IS.

Of course, there is often the sticky child who needs special assistance removing gum from the fur of the cat to distract you…which is to say me…which is to explain how the black Sharpie magic marker from said child’s pocket found it’s way mysteriously into a load of my wife’s blouses…through both the wash and dry cycles. Yes, the shirts were white.

To summarize:
Children are sticky.
Cats do not like to be shaved under any circumstances.
Wives do consider indelible ink a couch-sleeping offense.

Tonight I sleep with my shaved pussy. Good times.

First off, to all of you who have tried to get a hold of me for the last 24 hours, email, phone and more, I thank you for leaving messages of concern…and threats of evisceration if the as required…but no, I am not dead…though in the computer world, I might as well have been.
I have, a spectacularly stupid explanation / ecxuse that falls into the I two-part, I can’t believe they happened on the same day, excuse of epic stupidity epic stupidity category"
It started with the gym.

I used to be quite the gym rat…just 12 or 13 months ago two hours a day was nothing for me. Then I busted up my back (not broken, just pulled into a shape I thought only Silly Putty capable of) and by the time I was ready to go back, I didn’t. that was over a year of pathetic excuses ago. Yesterday, I swallowed my fears and pride, suited up and went. And overdid it on the squats. Apparently "overdid" means two sets of 15 with the bar-plus-20lbs. I used to use double that as a warm-up…when I was 13. I am old and humbled.

By 3pm I couldn’t walk without screaming for my mommy (my mother lives in Southern Indiana and I seriously doubt she was going to come nursemaid me…but my wife was at work and I didn’t want to bother her). And though it still hurts (by it, I mean anything above my toes and below my chromed dome), I’m alive this morning and about to hit the elliptical. I’m a fantastic whiner, but I’m ok, thanks for asking.

I continued that stupidity with one much worse…for the first time in thirty years of computing I spilled coffee…all over my laptop. I am, without question, a slob when it comes to my drinks. I don’t own a single shirt that has not been treated for coffee stains at one time or another…it’s who I am, I accept it. But I never, ever ever ever spill on a computer…it doesn’t happening…it hasn’t happened since 1979…until yesterday morning. Ya can’ts say never it were once. It were, no I can’ts.

There’s a standard procedure for a stupidity of this magnitude:
1. Turn it upside down and let it drain.
2. Dry it as best you can.
3. Remove the battery and anything else you can get at to let them dry separately.
4. Put a fan on it.
5. Leave it alone for 24 hours (no peeking!)
6. Pray. A lot.

It’s 24 hours later and low and behold I have a computer back. However up until this time (five minutes ago) I haven’t had any of your contact information or a way to get at it. So to the editors, clients and other folks who allow me to live in the fassion I am accustomed (roof over head, food in children’s stomachs, etc.), I apologize for dropping off the grid.
That’s my tale of woe and heartbreak but so far it appears to be a happy ending as I am talking to you on my rechristened "JavaBox".

AEIOU,
Kep!